L'Essence Du Monde

Friday

15Jan2010

.the boy and I video blog.

Friday, January 15, 2010 at 7:45PM

I thought it would be fun to do another Friday night video blog...it's been quite awhile...probably months.

And because I am paranoid, I want you to know that when I mention that the boy is here and that he will be here this weekend, I think it sounds like he does not live here....he usually goes to stay with his Memere and Papa (my Mommy and Daddy) on Friday nights...and was going to have a three day weekend with this this week. :-)

Oh, and the boy wanted to do one too, so the second one is from him.

Oh, and btw..... "Just Dance"

Have a beautiful weekend.

xo,

Jen

Jennifer Donley |

3 Comments |

.face to face.,

.favorite songs.,

.this and that.

Thursday

14Jan2010

.ramble.

Thursday, January 14, 2010 at 11:52AM

I spend more time taking a break from blogging than I actually do writing and contributing to this pretty space. I used to feel the need to announce that I was taking a break from all things blogging, but I think the more appropriate announcement these days would be that I might actually peek in…on your blog and/or mine.

Today, I am going to ramble. {edit: I mean, really ramble}

"color on a cloudy day"

The other day I dressed in color. COLOR! The thought was, of course, that amidst this January gloom, it would be a bit of a pick-me-up. I think those vintage crazy pants take it to a new level.

January seems to be a rough transitional sort of month. The after-holiday blues inevitably set in and though it is a new year and the vibe should be one of endless possibilities, I can’t quite seem to get excited about that just yet.

I briefly entertained the idea of coming up with my “word” for 2010, but grew bored with the idea because my head has not been in that space for several weeks.

It has, instead, been in the space of “let’s just get through this day.” You know the drill on that one; I wrote about it a few months ago.

I thought I was handling the copious amounts of stress better than I actually am. Really all I have been doing on that front is pushing the stress deeper and deeper within so as to avoid having it bubble up on a constant basis. The problem with that course of action is that inevitably, it manifests somehow…and in my case, that ends up being physically.

Last week saw me with a bit of a Lupus flare (hello sharp pains in various parts of my body) and various other strange and unwelcome stress-related bodily fails. And, despite my near constant exhaustion, I am not sleeping well. The dark under-eye circles are always a tell tale sign. You know, I think they can age you by YEARS. It’s not been a pretty sight.

What I have been doing when not working or stressing out over work looks like this:

Reading many many many Nora Roberts books (grade A diversion)
Watching movies (oh how I love the internet and the fact that you can buy movies on it)
Drinking gallons of tea
Surfing the internet (but staying far far away from blogs) Discovering the fabulousness that is the Rachel Zoe Project (I had no idea that this show even existed thanks to the fact that I don’t watch TV…thank you Itunes for letting me indulge…”I die”)
Making a concerted effort to take care of me….painting my nails again….deep conditioning my hair on a constant basis….working to clear my skin (adult acne is all kinds of crap)
Trying not to be an absolute bear and burden to live with

And here is the real crux of this post:

Basically, the evenings have seen me deep in diversion territory. And you know what? It has been mighty enjoyable, all things considered.

I have not been productive. I have not been working on a website, or on Etsy listings or on new jewelry. I have not been tapping into my creativity. I have not been reaching out to…well…anybody.

Usually this makes me feel a bit guilty, as though I am wasting time and not properly feeding myself. I always acknowledge when I have entered diversion territory, as it is hard to avoid that acknowledgement when one is reading five books a week, but I don’t usually allow myself to feel nourished by this method of spending my time. I look at it as avoidance, pure and simple.

This time it looks different to me.

I used to LOVE fashion…as in I lived for fashion…as in it made me all kinds of giddy. I used to subscribe to just about every fashion magazine out there and sitting down in the evenings to absorb all that those magazines contained gave me great joy.

And then that went away. I cut back on the subscriptions to save money. I started spending my evenings doing different things. I convinced myself that this love was shallow and not based in reality.

But, hello. THAT IS THE POINT.

The last week has seen me exploring all things fashion and it has been a breath of fresh colorful air. I had forgotten how much I love it, truly love it. It’s art in it’s own right.

And, the super special side effect is that it has gotten my creative wheels turning again. I have felt a bit more like myself than I have in quite awhile. It’s lovely combining the “old” me with the “new” me, if that makes any sense at all.

I am a bit of a loner by nature. Part of that may be that I am an only child and part of that is just inherently who I am. While many thrive by being surrounded by others, I thrive by being surrounded by myself. It’s always been this way. I am my own best company.

I am easily overwhelmed by crowds, and I think that applies to the internet as well, although I would have never thought it so before. I absolutely need my alone time. In the past, that was literal because I actually SAW people then…you know, in the flesh. Now I see very few people and my social interaction tends to be limited to the internet. I have come to realize that this form overwhelms just about as much as the “in the flesh” variety.

I think that I may have just returned to be good company for myself again. I also think that I have realized that there is no right or wrong formula when it comes to either personal creativity or the creative community as a whole.

I think that makes the whole internet/blogging avoidance thing okay…maybe even better than okay. It’s always here and there are no time limits. Pushing myself to be what I think I should be creatively and socially only serves to push me further into the corner if I am not ready for it. Returning to my original loner roots and embracing them has been very good for me. Returning to my original loves and embracing them is leading to me incorporating them with my new ones.

Really, it’s all on my terms. I don’t need to come up with a word for 2010 in order to actually do something worthwhile and creative. It does not serve to hold me any more accountable, nor does it serve to energize or inspire me more. I tried that. It was a fail. I don’t even remember what my word was last year.

There are no rules for blogging or social networking. They exist to enrich us, yes. They allow us to reach out and communicate and look inward and share that.

But there is no definitive method. Why have I been telling myself there is?

When it comes to the “real job” and the “real life” there is a method. But, when it comes to free time, creativity, inspiration, communication, reaching out…not so much. It’s each their own, or at least it should be.

Damn, it took me a long time to figure that out and be okay with it.

It seems as though I have been far more productive than I would have ever thought.

I just love it when I come here, talk in circles and end up making sense…at least to myself.

Thanks for reading. I’ll see you again…when the breeze blows me through.

Xo,

Jen

Jennifer Donley |

2 Comments |

.this and that.

Thursday

19Nov2009

.thank you.

Thursday, November 19, 2009 at 8:38PM

.thank you. from Jennifer Donley on Vimeo.

I truly hope that this conveys my gratitude for your kindess and support because it has been a beautiful gift.

xo,

Jen

p.s. I can't help but be a little scared that screenshot. ;-)

Jennifer Donley |

6 Comments |

.face to face.

Wednesday

18Nov2009

.today's truth.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009 at 11:52AM

I don't talk about my real job here, you know, the one that actually pays the bills and puts a roof over our heads. I don't talk about it for a myriad of reasons. But here's the reality…for the last 10 months it has been unstable and scary. We have experienced large pay cuts and a variety of brick walls and seemingly insurmountable challenges. We have picked ourselves up and dusted ourselves off every time we have been knocked down into the dirt. We have clung to small rays of hope, only to have them overshadowed by dark clouds over and over and over again. We have worked hard and are working even harder now to overcome all of the pitfalls that have plagued us, devoted to turning everything around.

I have tried so hard to be grateful and positive. I have tried so hard to embrace the fact that it is all still there.

But I am dangling by a thread.

On the good days, I envision that thread to be more of a bungee cord, stretching and tossing me around, but still somewhat solid. On the bad days, I envision that thread to be one that, as it stretches, becomes thinner and weaker with every tug.

I feel the fool for even talking about this. I feel guilty for complaining when I still have a job. But, at the end of the day, that does not diminish the constant stress and anxiety and fear. It just doesn't.

I try to extinguish those feelings in a variety of ways. Lately, those ways have not included anything of the creative variety, as by the time I have the time to go there, I am too damn tired. I want to stare off into space or dig my nose into a fluffy book. I feel uninspired and uninspiring. And, even those distractions can't erase the constant pang of anxiety that plagues my mid-section.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When I opened this new online home back in August, I had illusions that it would be a much happier place. I wanted it to be a place where I would talk about my creative endeavors and how I was moving forward on that front. It would be a place where I could leave the emotional turmoil of the last few years behind and blaze a new path into the future.

Obviously, I knew in August that the "real job" was all kinds of challenging, for at that time I had just received the whopping pay cut that I referenced above and we were already months into the challenges. But still, I hoped with everything in my being that I would be able to juggle supplementing our income and my spirit with my creativity. I announced it here (the"leap", that is) and I started blazing the path with my Mom and friend Jen holding my hands.

And then, my energy levels depleted rapidly and I basically crashed and burned on that front.

Because here is the simple truth: I can not do it all. I can not work 50 hours a week, be a good mother, a decent wife, a budgetary goddess, a home organizer and a super creative jewelry maker, not to mention any kind of friend, daughter or acquaintance. It is not physically, emotionally or mentally do-able.

I struggle with this now, and, as a result I don't blog nearly as much I would like to because I don't really have anything positive or illuminating to say.

And there is SO much that I could not say here even if I wanted to. I can't talk about how my heart was breaking on a completely personal and different front last week. I can't talk about the in's and out's of the work challenges. I won't talk about my loved one's lives.

There is only so much conjuring of positive that I can do. There is only so much stretching that I can pull off.

And so I return to that redundant phrase that I use so often. "But it is real life."

~*~*~*~*~*~

Today, I come here humbly…ever so humbly. And I thank you for reading my words. And I thank you for holding them. This is my truth right now. It is my reality. It is not pretty and it is not inspiring. It just is. And I had to get it out somewhere, truly I did.

Xo,

Jen

Jennifer Donley |

9 Comments |

.the path.,

.universal.

Monday

09Nov2009

.swimming in a sea of nostalgia.

Monday, November 9, 2009 at 9:50AM

Last year at this time, Dar had arrived yesterday and we had an entire week to look forward to. It was her first time in Portland and our first extended time period together. Today, Sunday, we were awaiting the arrival of Liz and Maddie, who were to joint our little girl party for a few days. The temperature was much the same as it here now, the weather a bit more cooperative and dry.

The world, our worlds were very different then.

Much has transpired in the last year, so many changes, so many twists and turns.

And I sigh as I contemplate how quickly a year can speed past.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

One night this week I was doing the dishes and a song by Massive Attack came on the IPod. It reminded me of a friend from long ago. One who I have not seen since 2001. It reminded me of another lifetime ago, one that I had not visited in years. After I finished the dishes, I went downstairs into the basement and literally moved boxes out of the way to get to a bin where I was sure pictures of that time lived.

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve years ago.

I was right, they did live there. I had not laid my eyes on these photos for some seven years. Some of them I had completely forgotten about. I saw much as I spent that night going through each and every picture. Familiar faces, long forgotten times.

I saw my own face smiling at me. A very different face than the one I wear today. A bit rounder, much younger and definitely lacking the worry that my face wears today.

I pondered what those smiles meant back then. I was transported back to a time where my life, our lives, were so completely different than they are now. So very little remains the same. As I flipped through the pictures and recalled those times, I also remembered how I had felt back then. I cannot, of course, remember everything, but enough remains deep down inside of me.

On some level, I was far happier and definitely more carefree. (or as carefree as I could ever be, as that is not one of my defining character traits) Comparatively though, night and day.

I went out into the world then and spend time with people. I had far less self confidence in some ways, and far more in other ways. I thought that time was my oyster. I squandered my time. I had so much fun with my cloths……and my hair. I was fighting reoccurring bouts of mono, which ended up not being mono at all, but Lupus. My marriage went through twists and turns and many defining moments. We bought a house and sold it. We bought a condo at the beach and sold it. We had more animals.

There were so many weddings and births….baby showers and birthdays….first homes and first serious loves. Those were much more festive times. So much newness. So much life.

And I sigh as I contemplate how quickly a decade can speed past. And what a difference a decade, a year, and sometimes even a day can make in our lives.

Everything in life can and does change so drastically based on each and every decision that we make….as well as all of those events for which we have absolutely no control over.

As I look back, I wish that I could say that I regret nothing. But, that would be a lie. I wonder what life would like now if I had decided differently on so many occasions. Both seemingly inconsequential as well as more monumental decisions have brought me to where I am now. Did fate rule these decisions? How many of these decisions were ultimately out of my control and instead the path that fate had picked for me this time around? Or is that train of thought simply a rationalization for the bad decisions?

There is a school of thought that says we should not look back. We should live in the moment and look forward to the future. Most of the time, I subscribe to this notion; however, there are those times, times like this week when I realize that looking back is equally as important. It’s a touchstone for where we are now. It reminds us of how far we have come as well as how much we have faltered in our quest to move forward.

It reminds us of times and places and feelings and people that were paramount in our lives. It makes us thoughtful and invites us to really stop and take a look at ourselves.

It creates a longing to relive some times and a deep satisfaction that we have already experienced others.

It teaches us that we have learned so much in some areas and nothing at all in others.

And it seriously causes me to over think. And get emotional. And have dreams.

Today, as I tidy up, I will pack those photos back into the bin. And, perhaps as I listen to music (Confusion from New Order is on now) I will continue to think about times past and I will weave in and out of times past and times present…with the pictures in my mind, with favorite music from the last 20 years flowing out of the IPod.

And I will be living in the now, while pondering the then.

Jennifer Donley |

9 Comments |

.the path.