Last year at this time, Dar had arrived yesterday and we had an entire week to look forward to. It was her first time in Portland and our first extended time period together. Today, Sunday, we were awaiting the arrival of Liz and Maddie, who were to joint our little girl party for a few days. The temperature was much the same as it here now, the weather a bit more cooperative and dry.

The world, our worlds were very different then.

Much has transpired in the last year, so many changes, so many twists and turns.

And I sigh as I contemplate how quickly a year can speed past.

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One night this week I was doing the dishes and a song by Massive Attack came on the IPod. It reminded me of a friend from long ago. One who I have not seen since 2001. It reminded me of another lifetime ago, one that I had not visited in years. After I finished the dishes, I went downstairs into the basement and literally moved boxes out of the way to get to a bin where I was sure pictures of that time lived.

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve years ago.

I was right, they did live there. I had not laid my eyes on these photos for some seven years. Some of them I had completely forgotten about. I saw much as I spent that night going through each and every picture. Familiar faces, long forgotten times.

I saw my own face smiling at me. A very different face than the one I wear today. A bit rounder, much younger and definitely lacking the worry that my face wears today.

I pondered what those smiles meant back then. I was transported back to a time where my life, our lives, were so completely different than they are now. So very little remains the same. As I flipped through the pictures and recalled those times, I also remembered how I had felt back then. I cannot, of course, remember everything, but enough remains deep down inside of me.

On some level, I was far happier and definitely more carefree. (or as carefree as I could ever be, as that is not one of my defining character traits) Comparatively though, night and day.

I went out into the world then and spend time with people. I had far less self confidence in some ways, and far more in other ways. I thought that time was my oyster.  I squandered my time. I had so much fun with my cloths……and my hair. I was fighting reoccurring bouts of mono, which ended up not being mono at all, but Lupus.  My marriage went through twists and turns and many defining moments. We bought a house and sold it. We bought a condo at the beach and sold it. We had more animals.

There were so many weddings and births….baby showers and birthdays….first homes and first serious loves.  Those were much more festive times. So much newness. So much life.

And I sigh as I contemplate how quickly a decade can speed past. And what a difference a decade, a year, and sometimes even a day can make in our lives.

Everything in life can and does change so drastically based on each and every decision that we make….as well as all of those events for which we have absolutely no control over.

As I look back, I wish that I could say that I regret nothing. But, that would be a lie. I wonder what life would like now if I had decided differently on so many occasions.  Both seemingly inconsequential as well as more monumental decisions have brought me to where I am now. Did fate rule these decisions? How many of these decisions were ultimately out of my control and instead the path that fate had picked for me this time around? Or is that train of thought simply a rationalization for the bad decisions?

There is a school of thought that says we should not look back. We should live in the moment and look forward to the future. Most of the time, I subscribe to this notion; however, there are those times, times like this week when I realize that looking back is equally as important. It’s a touchstone for where we are now. It reminds us of how far we have come as well as how much we have faltered in our quest to move forward.

It reminds us of times and places and feelings and people that were paramount in our lives. It makes us thoughtful and invites us to really stop and take a look at ourselves.

It creates a longing to relive some times and a deep satisfaction that we have already experienced others.

It teaches us that we have learned so much in some areas and nothing at all in others.

And it seriously causes me to over think. And get emotional. And have dreams.

Today, as I tidy up, I will pack those photos back into the bin. And, perhaps as I listen to music (Confusion from New Order is on now) I will continue to think about times past and I will weave in and out of times past and times present…with the pictures in my mind, with favorite music from the last 20 years flowing out of the IPod.

And I will be living in the now, while pondering the then.