I spend more time taking a break from blogging than I actually do writing and contributing to this pretty space. I used to feel the need to announce that I was taking a break from all things blogging, but I think the more appropriate announcement  these days would be that I might actually peek in…on your blog and/or mine.

Today, I am going to ramble. {edit: I mean, really ramble}

"color on a cloudy day"

The other day I dressed in color. COLOR! The thought was, of course, that amidst this January gloom, it would be a bit of a pick-me-up. I think those vintage crazy pants take it to a new level.

January seems to be a rough transitional sort of month. The after-holiday blues inevitably set  in and though it is a new year and the vibe should be one of endless possibilities, I can’t quite seem to get excited about that just yet.

I briefly entertained the idea of coming up with my “word” for 2010, but grew bored with the idea because my head has not been in that space for several weeks.

It has, instead, been in the space of “let’s just get through this day.” You know the drill on that one; I wrote about it a few months ago.

I thought I was handling the copious amounts of stress better than I actually am. Really all I have been doing on that front is pushing the stress deeper and deeper within so as to avoid having it bubble up on a constant basis. The problem with that course of action is that inevitably, it manifests somehow…and in my case, that ends up being physically.

Last week saw me with a bit of a Lupus flare (hello sharp pains in various parts of my body) and various other strange and unwelcome stress-related bodily fails. And, despite my near constant exhaustion, I am not sleeping well. The dark under-eye circles are always a tell tale sign. You know, I think they can age you by YEARS. It’s not been a pretty sight.

What I have been doing when not working or stressing out over work looks like this:

• Reading many many many Nora Roberts books (grade A diversion)
• Watching movies (oh how I love the internet and the fact that you can buy movies on it)
• Drinking gallons of tea
• Surfing the internet (but staying far far away from blogs) Discovering the fabulousness that is the Rachel Zoe Project  (I had no idea that this show even existed thanks to the fact that I don’t watch TV…thank you Itunes for letting me indulge…”I die”)
• Making a concerted effort to take care of me….painting my nails again….deep conditioning my hair on a constant basis….working to clear my skin (adult acne is all kinds of crap)
• Trying not to be an absolute bear and burden to live with

And here is the real crux of this post:

Basically, the evenings have seen me deep in diversion territory.  And you know what? It has been mighty enjoyable, all things considered.

I have not been productive. I have not been working on a website, or on Etsy listings or on new jewelry. I have not been tapping into my creativity. I have not been reaching out to…well…anybody.

 Usually this makes me feel a bit guilty, as though I am wasting time and not properly feeding myself.  I always acknowledge when I have entered diversion territory, as it is hard to avoid that acknowledgement when one is reading five books a week, but I don’t usually allow myself to feel nourished by this method of spending my time. I look at it as avoidance, pure and simple.

This time it looks different to me.

I used to LOVE fashion…as in I lived for fashion…as in it made me all kinds of giddy. I used to subscribe to just about every fashion magazine out there and sitting down in the evenings to absorb all that those magazines contained gave me great joy.

And then that went away. I cut back on the subscriptions to save money. I started spending my evenings doing different things. I convinced myself that this love was shallow and not based in reality.

But, hello. THAT IS THE POINT.

The last week has seen me exploring all things fashion and it has been a breath of fresh colorful air. I had forgotten how much I love it, truly love it. It’s art in it’s own right.

And, the super special side effect is that it has gotten my creative wheels turning again. I have felt a bit more like myself than I have in quite awhile. It’s lovely combining the “old” me with the “new” me, if that makes any sense at all.

I am a bit of a loner by nature. Part of that may be that I am an only child and part of that is just inherently who I am. While many  thrive by being surrounded by others, I thrive by being surrounded by myself. It’s always been this way.  I am my own best company.

I am easily overwhelmed by crowds, and I think that applies to the internet as well, although I would have never thought it so before. I absolutely need my alone time. In the past, that was literal because I actually SAW people then…you know, in the flesh. Now I see very few people and my social interaction tends to be limited to the internet. I have come to realize that this form overwhelms just about as much as the “in the flesh” variety.

I think that I may have just returned to be good company for myself again. I also think that I have realized that there is no right or wrong formula when it comes to either  personal creativity or the creative community as a whole.

I think that makes the whole internet/blogging avoidance thing okay…maybe even better than okay. It’s always here and there are no time limits. Pushing myself to be what  I think I should be creatively and socially only serves to push me further into the corner if I am not ready for it. Returning to my original loner roots and embracing them has been very good for me. Returning to my original loves and embracing them is leading to me incorporating them with my new ones.

Really, it’s all on my terms. I don’t need to come up with a word for 2010 in order to actually do something worthwhile and creative. It does not serve to hold me any more accountable, nor does it serve to energize or inspire me more. I tried that. It was a fail. I don’t even remember what my word was last year.

There are no rules for blogging or social networking. They exist to enrich us, yes. They allow us to reach out and communicate and look inward and share that.

But there is no definitive method. Why have I been telling myself there is?

When it comes to the “real job” and the “real life” there is a method.  But, when it comes to free time, creativity, inspiration, communication, reaching out…not so much. It’s each their own, or at least it should be.

Damn, it took me a long time to figure that out and be okay with it.

It seems as though I have been far more productive than I would have ever thought.

I just love it when I come here, talk in circles and end up making sense…at least to myself.

Thanks for reading. I’ll see you again…when the breeze blows me through.

Xo,

Jen