There are two reasons why I decided to redesign the site....again.

1.) I am easily bored.

2.) As pretty as the other design was, it never really felt like me.

It is always a toss-up with me because my own style is extremely eclectic, both in the way that I dress as well as the way we decorate our home. I can never stick to one style, as there is so much that I love.

I had to really think about that when deciding what direction to take with this new design. It had to be a perfect blend of what I want L'Essence Du Monde to represent and what feels like me.

As a result, L'Essence Du Monde, version 2.0 feels a lot more like home.

I have beefed it up ever so slightly with a revamped "About" page and a brand new "Link Love" page that lists those online places where I have been spending my time lately as well as links to some pretty fantastic local PDX establishments.  That particular page will always be a work in process as I find new and wonderful online sources of inspiration. It will also eventually include links to those who are nearest and dearest to my heart. For now, though, I am pleased with what is there.

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It has been with great joy that I have been looking to the outside work (verses the creative blog world) for inspiration lately. I say this because in doing so, I feel as though I have returned to my original creative loves. This is not to say that there is not an immense amount of beauty and talent in the creative blogging community, because there is. But, it does tend to be it's own brand of style, a style "sub culture" if you will.

For a long time, I found myself not really looking beyond that particular esthetic.

I think that I mentioned, a few posts back, that I have started reading fashion magazines again. Vogue, in particular. In addition to that, I have been scouring the internet for fantastic sources of all things high fashion. It's been a treat because for a long time I paid no attention to it. Simply put, it has provided me with a fresh infusion of inspiration. I am looking at the now as well as thinking about what I love from decades past and formulating ideas in my head of how I would like to blend all of that together.

It has been many months since I made any new jewelry. For awhile, it was that I was tired and uninspired. Lately, it is because I am really thinking hard about what I want to create. At this point, I do not feel like I am in procrastination mode, but rather in a really exciting formulation mode.

I suppose that the site redesign was just one of those components for me. It was not premeditated; I just decided one day a few weeks ago that it was time to take it down and make it new. I did not rush and I let it develop in a comfortable manner.

With life being what it has been for the last year, pushing myself and placing unrealistic time constraints on myself when it comes to the creative slice of my life simply don't work. I think that I have learned that the hard way. I have had those times when I have pushed and pushed, only to end up burning out for a myriad of reasons, not the least of which is that I simply don't have the energy to spend every moment of free time on trying to build a big-little business.

One of the most important reasons we tap into our creativity, in whatever form that may take, is that it brings us happiness and fulfillment. It is a piece of us that knows no bounds and can take whatever journey it wants to. It's soul is supposed to be different than the day to day work and responsibilities that we undertake.

It should represent freedom for those pieces of ourselves that we devote to it.

It is good to remind ourselves of that. It is good to spread our winds and let the wind take us where it will when it will. It is good to "feel" like ourselves as we go to those places. It is good to own our individuality and integrate that into all of our endeavors, especially our creative ones.

As per usual, I am writing this on my blog, but in reality I am writing it to myself.

I hope you all are well.

Today, I am going to ramble. {edit: I mean, really ramble}

"color on a cloudy day"

The other day I dressed in color. COLOR! The thought was, of course, that amidst this January gloom, it would be a bit of a pick-me-up. I think those vintage crazy pants take it to a new level.

January seems to be a rough transitional sort of month. The after-holiday blues inevitably set  in and though it is a new year and the vibe should be one of endless possibilities, I can’t quite seem to get excited about that just yet.

I briefly entertained the idea of coming up with my “word” for 2010, but grew bored with the idea because my head has not been in that space for several weeks.

It has, instead, been in the space of “let’s just get through this day.” You know the drill on that one; I wrote about it a few months ago.

I thought I was handling the copious amounts of stress better than I actually am. Really all I have been doing on that front is pushing the stress deeper and deeper within so as to avoid having it bubble up on a constant basis. The problem with that course of action is that inevitably, it manifests somehow…and in my case, that ends up being physically.

Last week saw me with a bit of a Lupus flare (hello sharp pains in various parts of my body) and various other strange and unwelcome stress-related bodily fails. And, despite my near constant exhaustion, I am not sleeping well. The dark under-eye circles are always a tell tale sign. You know, I think they can age you by YEARS. It’s not been a pretty sight.

What I have been doing when not working or stressing out over work looks like this:

• Reading many many many Nora Roberts books (grade A diversion)
• Watching movies (oh how I love the internet and the fact that you can buy movies on it)
• Drinking gallons of tea
• Surfing the internet (but staying far far away from blogs) Discovering the fabulousness that is the Rachel Zoe Project  (I had no idea that this show even existed thanks to the fact that I don’t watch TV…thank you Itunes for letting me indulge…”I die”)
• Making a concerted effort to take care of me….painting my nails again….deep conditioning my hair on a constant basis….working to clear my skin (adult acne is all kinds of crap)
• Trying not to be an absolute bear and burden to live with

And here is the real crux of this post:

Basically, the evenings have seen me deep in diversion territory.  And you know what? It has been mighty enjoyable, all things considered.

I have not been productive. I have not been working on a website, or on Etsy listings or on new jewelry. I have not been tapping into my creativity. I have not been reaching out to…well…anybody.

 Usually this makes me feel a bit guilty, as though I am wasting time and not properly feeding myself.  I always acknowledge when I have entered diversion territory, as it is hard to avoid that acknowledgement when one is reading five books a week, but I don’t usually allow myself to feel nourished by this method of spending my time. I look at it as avoidance, pure and simple.

This time it looks different to me.

I used to LOVE fashion…as in I lived for fashion…as in it made me all kinds of giddy. I used to subscribe to just about every fashion magazine out there and sitting down in the evenings to absorb all that those magazines contained gave me great joy.

And then that went away. I cut back on the subscriptions to save money. I started spending my evenings doing different things. I convinced myself that this love was shallow and not based in reality.

But, hello. THAT IS THE POINT.

The last week has seen me exploring all things fashion and it has been a breath of fresh colorful air. I had forgotten how much I love it, truly love it. It’s art in it’s own right.

And, the super special side effect is that it has gotten my creative wheels turning again. I have felt a bit more like myself than I have in quite awhile. It’s lovely combining the “old” me with the “new” me, if that makes any sense at all.

I am a bit of a loner by nature. Part of that may be that I am an only child and part of that is just inherently who I am. While many  thrive by being surrounded by others, I thrive by being surrounded by myself. It’s always been this way.  I am my own best company.

I am easily overwhelmed by crowds, and I think that applies to the internet as well, although I would have never thought it so before. I absolutely need my alone time. In the past, that was literal because I actually SAW people then…you know, in the flesh. Now I see very few people and my social interaction tends to be limited to the internet. I have come to realize that this form overwhelms just about as much as the “in the flesh” variety.

I think that I may have just returned to be good company for myself again. I also think that I have realized that there is no right or wrong formula when it comes to either  personal creativity or the creative community as a whole.

I think that makes the whole internet/blogging avoidance thing okay…maybe even better than okay. It’s always here and there are no time limits. Pushing myself to be what  I think I should be creatively and socially only serves to push me further into the corner if I am not ready for it. Returning to my original loner roots and embracing them has been very good for me. Returning to my original loves and embracing them is leading to me incorporating them with my new ones.

Really, it’s all on my terms. I don’t need to come up with a word for 2010 in order to actually do something worthwhile and creative. It does not serve to hold me any more accountable, nor does it serve to energize or inspire me more. I tried that. It was a fail. I don’t even remember what my word was last year.

There are no rules for blogging or social networking. They exist to enrich us, yes. They allow us to reach out and communicate and look inward and share that.

But there is no definitive method. Why have I been telling myself there is?

When it comes to the “real job” and the “real life” there is a method.  But, when it comes to free time, creativity, inspiration, communication, reaching out…not so much. It’s each their own, or at least it should be.

Damn, it took me a long time to figure that out and be okay with it.

It seems as though I have been far more productive than I would have ever thought.

I just love it when I come here, talk in circles and end up making sense…at least to myself.

Thanks for reading. I’ll see you again…when the breeze blows me through.

Xo,

Jen

.thank you. from Jennifer Donley on Vimeo.

I truly hope that this conveys my gratitude for your kindess and support because it has been a beautiful gift.

xo,

Jen

p.s. I can't help but be a little scared that screenshot. ;-)

The world, our worlds were very different then.

Much has transpired in the last year, so many changes, so many twists and turns.

And I sigh as I contemplate how quickly a year can speed past.

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One night this week I was doing the dishes and a song by Massive Attack came on the IPod. It reminded me of a friend from long ago. One who I have not seen since 2001. It reminded me of another lifetime ago, one that I had not visited in years. After I finished the dishes, I went downstairs into the basement and literally moved boxes out of the way to get to a bin where I was sure pictures of that time lived.

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve years ago.

I was right, they did live there. I had not laid my eyes on these photos for some seven years. Some of them I had completely forgotten about. I saw much as I spent that night going through each and every picture. Familiar faces, long forgotten times.

I saw my own face smiling at me. A very different face than the one I wear today. A bit rounder, much younger and definitely lacking the worry that my face wears today.

I pondered what those smiles meant back then. I was transported back to a time where my life, our lives, were so completely different than they are now. So very little remains the same. As I flipped through the pictures and recalled those times, I also remembered how I had felt back then. I cannot, of course, remember everything, but enough remains deep down inside of me.

On some level, I was far happier and definitely more carefree. (or as carefree as I could ever be, as that is not one of my defining character traits) Comparatively though, night and day.

I went out into the world then and spend time with people. I had far less self confidence in some ways, and far more in other ways. I thought that time was my oyster.  I squandered my time. I had so much fun with my cloths……and my hair. I was fighting reoccurring bouts of mono, which ended up not being mono at all, but Lupus.  My marriage went through twists and turns and many defining moments. We bought a house and sold it. We bought a condo at the beach and sold it. We had more animals.

There were so many weddings and births….baby showers and birthdays….first homes and first serious loves.  Those were much more festive times. So much newness. So much life.

And I sigh as I contemplate how quickly a decade can speed past. And what a difference a decade, a year, and sometimes even a day can make in our lives.

Everything in life can and does change so drastically based on each and every decision that we make….as well as all of those events for which we have absolutely no control over.

As I look back, I wish that I could say that I regret nothing. But, that would be a lie. I wonder what life would like now if I had decided differently on so many occasions.  Both seemingly inconsequential as well as more monumental decisions have brought me to where I am now. Did fate rule these decisions? How many of these decisions were ultimately out of my control and instead the path that fate had picked for me this time around? Or is that train of thought simply a rationalization for the bad decisions?

There is a school of thought that says we should not look back. We should live in the moment and look forward to the future. Most of the time, I subscribe to this notion; however, there are those times, times like this week when I realize that looking back is equally as important. It’s a touchstone for where we are now. It reminds us of how far we have come as well as how much we have faltered in our quest to move forward.

It reminds us of times and places and feelings and people that were paramount in our lives. It makes us thoughtful and invites us to really stop and take a look at ourselves.

It creates a longing to relive some times and a deep satisfaction that we have already experienced others.

It teaches us that we have learned so much in some areas and nothing at all in others.

And it seriously causes me to over think. And get emotional. And have dreams.

Today, as I tidy up, I will pack those photos back into the bin. And, perhaps as I listen to music (Confusion from New Order is on now) I will continue to think about times past and I will weave in and out of times past and times present…with the pictures in my mind, with favorite music from the last 20 years flowing out of the IPod.

And I will be living in the now, while pondering the then.

There is something to be said for nesting in your home though, especially at this time of year when the days grow shorter, the trees become more colorful, the air gets a bit colder and the skies turn grey and rainy.

I have not been particularly graceful in my transition into fall. I still find myself turning a bit melancholy as I gaze on those ever changing leaves, perhaps because I know that soon they will be bare and I will miss their lush green beauty.

Since I do not have anything exciting to write about,  I decided that I would do a video blog this time around; however, it was ever so boring. (I was even boring myself)  When I walked away and the the boy decided to give it a try himself, I got the bright idea to do a silly "family video blog" instead. While it is nothing of consequence it was fun to do....and now I know how to make movies! (insert giggle here)

I hope that you are all healthy and happy.

xo,

Jen

family video blog 1 from Jennifer Donley on Vimeo.

Without even realizing it on a conscious level, I have felt the need to shelter myself, not only on the public front, but, if I am being honest, from myself as well. The true realization of where I am right now did not hit me until my Mom made mention of it last weekend.

And even then, I don’t know that I was ready to own just how off kilter I really am at the moment.

A few mornings ago, as I was starting my work day, I started humming a very old tune. It is one that I have not listened to for quite some time, and when I stopped to identify it, it caused me pause, for I realized that this particular song, which I shall “You Tube” below was extremely representative of how I am feeling. “Left of Center” by Suzanne Vega. Do you remember it?

The last few days have seen me being progressively more honest and open with myself. Why am I feeling this way? What is causing it? That kind of honest dialog causes one to look deep within and recognize one’s gremlins and the vast array of characteristics, both positive and negative that one possesses. Let me rephrase that. That internal dialog is causing ME to greet MY vast array of characteristics head on and own them. Each and every one of them.

And that is not always pretty. Being honest with yourself means that you must look the negative parts of yourself eyeball to eyeball and own that they are a part of you.

And then come the really important question(s). Are these characteristics inherent to who I am or can I choose to disown them?  Can I cast them off and bury their ugliness? It is really as simple as looking at the glass as half full instead of half empty, thus effectively changing my entire point of view?

The answer is I don’t know.

Not completely.

I believe that some of those characteristics ARE inherent and that they are a part of our essence. At the same time, I believe that we can learn some pretty unhealthy behaviors as we walk down this path of life and that we can trick ourselves into believing that “this is just who I am and I can’t change that.”

I am guilty of that last little line. I know it.

Every single experience that we have in life leaves a bit of itself within us. The outcome of those little gifts can be good or bad, depending on the situation. Unfortunately, more often than not, it is the negative experiences and the bits and pieces (read: fallout) of them that we tend to cling to. It is those experiences that cause us to question ourselves and the world. It is those experiences that make us distrust and harbor some pretty ugly resentments.

And that can build up until it resembles a pretty sizable mountain. And we all know that scaling a sizable mountain is not for the faint of heart. It takes courage, skill, trust and some pretty hefty life lines.

In terms of scaling an emotional mountain, there is really only one person who can do that. That person is ME.  I must choose to scale it. And I must be wise about that. I must be open and I must be trusting of myself. I must make choices that are a bit uncomfortable and may feel risky.  I must open my eyes to the possibility before me. I must trust that I have the proper tools to accomplish that sharp incline. I must realize that the work of getting to the top of that mountain will be worth its weight in gold.

For when I get there, the view will be crystal clear and full of beauty. The possibilities will truly be endless.

But, it is steep up there. The ground is not flat. The peaks are jagged.

It is an unknown.

And I am not comfortable with the unknown. Or the steepness. Or the jaggedness. Or the cliff that I might just be forced to jump off of.

It’s all a choice, right?

And I wonder why it always seems so much easier to revert to the “this is just who I am and I can’t change that.”

Because the alternative is downright freaking scary. It means ultimately changing how I view myself and the world around me. It means trusting. It means openness. It means that I could get hurt.

Scary.

But oh the view and possibilities up there on that mountain top.

This is what I am working on this week.

I have yet to figure it all out. Not even close. I am still feeling terribly “left of center.” I am also feeling incredibly proud of myself for opening this honest dialogue with myself, for this is many strides ahead of where I have been and it means that I am indeed making progress on this journey.

Oh, and here is the song. It's a good one.

xo,

Jen

they are here

(and they are totally out of my price range....so sad)

xo,

Jen