we like chucks...and flip flops....ALOT

(clockwise from the top left: Dar, Liz, Kiki, Mill)

If you are my “friend” on Facebook, you know that I now post a “Daily Shoe Photo.”  Nearly every day, I take a photo of my choice of footwear with my phone and then forward it to FB with a little description. Despite the fact that this may seem just a tad bit silly, there is actually a story behind this practice.

After having antiquated phones on a really crappy network for two years, we decided to go back to our previous cell phone provider when our contract was up with the crappy provider in May. We also decided that this time around we would go crazy and get some sort of “smart phone.” After briefly considering what type of “smart phone” to get,  the decision became a no-brainer  when Dar shared that there is something called “Blackberry Messenger” that allows you to text with anyone with a BB, regardless of where they are located.  

She is in Canada and I am in the U.S. We could communicate daily for FREE.

Decision made.

Cean and my Dad both chose red Crackberries, while I wanted the purple one. My Mom shook her head and said “not happening.”

As an aside, my Crackberry’s name is Viola…because I like to name things.

Once Viola was in my hot little hands, Dar and I decided that it would be fun to text each other pictures of our shoes every day. Why? Because it is fun. Not long thereafter, my Mill and I decided to do the same thing (though she does not have a Crackberry, but is all about the texting). Once Kristen landed in LA, she also decided to play along. And a few weeks ago, Liz agreed to join in too.

Dar started posting her daily shoe photos on FB/Twitter before I did. She calls her submissions “shoe porn,” which tickles me. I; however, am not nearly brave enough to use the word “porn” everyday, thus when I decided to start posting my daily photos on FB, I went with the far more vanilla name of “the daily shoe photos.” (and for those of you who know me…as in really know me…you might chuckle at my aversion to using such a colorful word everyday given my propensity to have potty mouth…but you know)

I have been stockpiling all of the daily shoe photos since we started because I had it in the back of my mind that I wanted to do something with them at some point.

My website now has a “Daily Shoe Picture” page, which you can peruse by clicking on the link to your left. Each of us has our own gallery and the galleries are listed in chronological order.  I will also be adding a “Collaborations” tab soon in the links up above and the “Daily Shoe Pictures” will be included there as well.

I see this seemingly silly practice as collaboration in friendship. We all live far away from each other, but through our daily messaging, we are able to share little parts of our day with one another and connect on a regular basis. These photos tell little stories and because of that I treasure them. Besides my family, these girls are my loves.

I do not update the photos on a daily basis due to time constraints; however, I suspect they will get updated on a weekly basis.

I hope you enjoy them.

(Oh, and p.s. Yes, I have a lot of shoes. Yes, I like shoes. Yes, I have purchased a lot of shoes over the years. Yes, I take care of my shoes and have been collecting them for years. Don’t forget…in the paraphrased words of the great fictional character Carrie Bradshaw....a girl’s got a right to shoes.)

So.

Hi.

I have a blog here, don't I? In all honestly, I have maybe logged on a total of 2-3 times since I last posted in MARCH. Yes, March. Ahem.

But, in my defense..... the last several months have been about packing and moving my parents (they have a lovely new condo here in Oregon).....having a garage sale.....emptying, cleaning, painting and generally re-doing the boy's room (because he inherited a big-boy bed when my parents down-sized).... taking a few weekends to breathe (and/or collapse).....celebrating holidays (Mother's Day, my Daddy's birthday, the boy's birthday, our anniversary, Father's Day, my birthday and the 4th).....attempting to organize our house (my Mom promised to come camp out here once we got them settled)...and...and....and.

I think you get the general idea. We have been  full speed ahead going going going. And honestly, it is not done yet. We still have to do the following:

• paint our garage (because we painted our house two years ago and it would be all kinds of great if the two buildings matched)
• clean our our basement (holy hell...there are NO WORDS)
• have another garage sale
• paint at my parent's
• paint the hallway here
• paint the bedroom here

.....and....and....and.

Yes, well then.

This past weekend, my parents came over to help again and we did some super deep cleaning (think window tracks, curtains washed, furniture moved) on the main floor of the house. Many transitional items have been taking up residence on this main floor these last months and it was time to get.them.out. We also FINALLY HUNG PICTURES in the kitchen....and my office.

My main floor feels BIG. I actually twirled in the living room. And my office? The place where I work every day...it feels tranquil again. And the big kitchen wall? Finally, I have a lovely grouping of art and photos.

There are still some walls to tackle because I ran out of frames....but I feel certain that they will be done in fairly short order as I still have some beautiful photos to put up and a fire under my....you know what.

So, here are some photos....because photos are fun:

KITCHEN WALL:

LIVING ROOM:

DINING ROOM:

OFFICE:

The jewelry-table side of the office is still in sad shape. I have a lovely plan for the wall that will include photos of my nearest and dearest friends and I will someday actually organize that table. There has not been a lot of jewelry-making going on around here lately, so it simply has not been a priority. The other side, which houses my desk and day-job area was far more important.

And, in other news.................................................................

1.) My dear friend Kristen has a new project called Exquisite Corpse Collective. She asked me to play along this week, which truth be told, scared the living daylights out of me because let's face it, I am no photographer. I gave it my best try, thought. Go see.

2.) My dear friend Dar made a very exciting announcement today regarding a new e-course. I am ever so proud of her. Go read about it.

3.) And finally, my dear friend Liz (who, by the way, just had the most beautiful baby girl ever....and has a new retreat planned for the fall) and I are going to collaborate. We have been talking about this for nearly two years now. Last year, we decided on a name and I worked on some logos; however, life got busy and time was not plentiful and we decided to hold off. Until now. The two of us are busy brainstorming our little hearts out (and there is a clue about our first series in that part of the sentence) and more will be revealed soon. We both believe that there is a reason why we did not do it until now.

And there it is. All the news that it is fit to print at the moment. I hope all is well in your world and that summer is treating you kindly.

.the giving tree blooms.

When the boy was younger, his favorite book was "The Giving Tree". Each and every night before he went to sleep, he requested this book until it got to the point that he could recite it to Cean and me.

At some point, he decided that he wanted his own "giving tree" and thus our beautiful tree in the front yard was assigned that honor. He hugged it and officially deemed it so.

Each year, as Spring approaches, we anticipate the blooming of our giving tree, as it always signals that spring has officially sprung and it is simply gorgeous.

It was well on it's way to full glory when I left for my weekend away; however, by the time I returned, it had completed it's blooming, and was full of little white flowers and millions of petals.

It is a perfect representation of how my heart felt after having spent time with some beautiful friends.

My heart had also bloomed.

Soon the tree will snow it's white petals down and they will be replaced with vibrant green leaves; however, in the mean time, I will continue to revel in it's blooms and the reminder that they now hold for me.

Happy Spring.

So I mentioned in my last post that I am easily bored.

I made that statement in a slightly sarcastic, off the cuff manner (at least in my head), but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it is absolutely true.

For someone who professes to be so grounded, I can get quite flighty when it comes to my particular interest that the moment. And for someone who also professes to despise change, I sure do get antsy with the status quo.

This extends to many areas of my life, from the color of my hair to my latest “obsession”, whatever that might be.

Case in Point #1: When we received that god-forsaken pay cut last summer, the very first thing to go was my every-five-week trips to my hairdresser to get my hair colored. Because a large percentage of the new-growth hair that comes out of my head is now gray, not coloring it is absolutely not an option. The solution is to use those lovely little boxes of hair dye that come from the store with my husband learning to be color-stylist superstar every five weeks in Salon de Donley (aka: our bathroom). I don’t think that I have used the same color twice, which is silly because I am putting hair color on top of hair color…and unless I put streaks in my hair, it just is not going to vary that much. But, damn it, I miss putting streaks in my hair and I miss walking out of the hair dresser with a different version of color on my head every five weeks. I.AM.BORED. with the conservative one-shade thing we are doing. BORED to tears.

Case in Point #2: I get on “kicks” if you will. For awhile it will be a particular author or music group or diversion or house project or eating habit (which, incidentally, is the “kick” of the moment). You name it; it can be a “kick” in my book. So, when I target that specific item or pastime, it becomes somewhat of an obsession. I research and read and spend monumental amounts of my free time getting intimately acquainted with it. Until I don’t. And then it is kicked to the curb (pardon the pun) and I am on to next. Cean laughs about this because it has been like this for as long as he has known me. I never ever do anything half way…until I decide that I am bored with it. I work on opposite ends of the spectrum within a very short amount of time.

When I think on this little habit of mine a bit further, I can honestly declare that of the several homes that we have owned over the years, not one of them has ever felt like the one that I would want to be in for years to come. I am always wondering when we will move on to next and I never feel quite rooted. And, because consistency is key, I start projects in the house and then don’t finish those because…wait for it…I get bored. This little phenomenon is best demonstrated in the house that we live in now, as the amount of projects that I have started and not finished is frightening. It’s never been quite THIS bad.

And so, all of this self discovery of scattered-ness begs to question:

Am I not who I thought I was?

Perhaps I have just been fooling myself for years because one of the other lovely qualities I posses is my controlling nature (which is a discussion for another time). So maybe I like to think that I have my ducks in a row and my feet forever planted because then I feel like I am in control of something.

Ah, but strike that rationalization because let’s face it, I could totally control my scatter-brained tendencies and, you know, finish painting the cabinet inserts in the kitchen.  Oh, and I could also utilize the paint that I purchased for our bedroom nearly FOUR YEARS AGO and actually put it on the walls of our bedroom. I could stop obsessing about doing further research on green smoothies and just make the freaking things everyday and incorporate them into my life. 

Hmmm, things to ponder.

As far as those other areas where my tendency to get bored comes into play, perhaps I should label the tendency  a quirky and endearing one and…you guessed it…move on to next.

And perhaps, while I am at it with the declarations, I should stop dissecting the whys and where’s and how’s of this and just accept it for what it is. I am extremely responsible and follow through on those areas of my life that require longevity, consistency and accuracy. Apparently, the same cannot be said for those areas of my life that don’t.

There does not have to be an explanation or a universal truth to it all; it just is.

You know, I feel better already. Now, on to next.

There are two reasons why I decided to redesign the site....again.

1.) I am easily bored.

2.) As pretty as the other design was, it never really felt like me.

It is always a toss-up with me because my own style is extremely eclectic, both in the way that I dress as well as the way we decorate our home. I can never stick to one style, as there is so much that I love.

I had to really think about that when deciding what direction to take with this new design. It had to be a perfect blend of what I want L'Essence Du Monde to represent and what feels like me.

As a result, L'Essence Du Monde, version 2.0 feels a lot more like home.

I have beefed it up ever so slightly with a revamped "About" page and a brand new "Link Love" page that lists those online places where I have been spending my time lately as well as links to some pretty fantastic local PDX establishments.  That particular page will always be a work in process as I find new and wonderful online sources of inspiration. It will also eventually include links to those who are nearest and dearest to my heart. For now, though, I am pleased with what is there.

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It has been with great joy that I have been looking to the outside work (verses the creative blog world) for inspiration lately. I say this because in doing so, I feel as though I have returned to my original creative loves. This is not to say that there is not an immense amount of beauty and talent in the creative blogging community, because there is. But, it does tend to be it's own brand of style, a style "sub culture" if you will.

For a long time, I found myself not really looking beyond that particular esthetic.

I think that I mentioned, a few posts back, that I have started reading fashion magazines again. Vogue, in particular. In addition to that, I have been scouring the internet for fantastic sources of all things high fashion. It's been a treat because for a long time I paid no attention to it. Simply put, it has provided me with a fresh infusion of inspiration. I am looking at the now as well as thinking about what I love from decades past and formulating ideas in my head of how I would like to blend all of that together.

It has been many months since I made any new jewelry. For awhile, it was that I was tired and uninspired. Lately, it is because I am really thinking hard about what I want to create. At this point, I do not feel like I am in procrastination mode, but rather in a really exciting formulation mode.

I suppose that the site redesign was just one of those components for me. It was not premeditated; I just decided one day a few weeks ago that it was time to take it down and make it new. I did not rush and I let it develop in a comfortable manner.

With life being what it has been for the last year, pushing myself and placing unrealistic time constraints on myself when it comes to the creative slice of my life simply don't work. I think that I have learned that the hard way. I have had those times when I have pushed and pushed, only to end up burning out for a myriad of reasons, not the least of which is that I simply don't have the energy to spend every moment of free time on trying to build a big-little business.

One of the most important reasons we tap into our creativity, in whatever form that may take, is that it brings us happiness and fulfillment. It is a piece of us that knows no bounds and can take whatever journey it wants to. It's soul is supposed to be different than the day to day work and responsibilities that we undertake.

It should represent freedom for those pieces of ourselves that we devote to it.

It is good to remind ourselves of that. It is good to spread our winds and let the wind take us where it will when it will. It is good to "feel" like ourselves as we go to those places. It is good to own our individuality and integrate that into all of our endeavors, especially our creative ones.

As per usual, I am writing this on my blog, but in reality I am writing it to myself.

I hope you all are well.

And because I am paranoid, I want you to know that when I mention that the boy is here and that he will be here this weekend, I think it sounds like he does not live here....he usually goes to stay with his Memere and Papa (my Mommy and Daddy) on Friday nights...and was going to have a three day weekend with this this week.  :-)

Oh, and the boy wanted to do one too, so the second one is from him.

Oh, and btw..... "Just Dance"

Have a beautiful weekend.

xo,

Jen

Today, I am going to ramble. {edit: I mean, really ramble}

"color on a cloudy day"

The other day I dressed in color. COLOR! The thought was, of course, that amidst this January gloom, it would be a bit of a pick-me-up. I think those vintage crazy pants take it to a new level.

January seems to be a rough transitional sort of month. The after-holiday blues inevitably set  in and though it is a new year and the vibe should be one of endless possibilities, I can’t quite seem to get excited about that just yet.

I briefly entertained the idea of coming up with my “word” for 2010, but grew bored with the idea because my head has not been in that space for several weeks.

It has, instead, been in the space of “let’s just get through this day.” You know the drill on that one; I wrote about it a few months ago.

I thought I was handling the copious amounts of stress better than I actually am. Really all I have been doing on that front is pushing the stress deeper and deeper within so as to avoid having it bubble up on a constant basis. The problem with that course of action is that inevitably, it manifests somehow…and in my case, that ends up being physically.

Last week saw me with a bit of a Lupus flare (hello sharp pains in various parts of my body) and various other strange and unwelcome stress-related bodily fails. And, despite my near constant exhaustion, I am not sleeping well. The dark under-eye circles are always a tell tale sign. You know, I think they can age you by YEARS. It’s not been a pretty sight.

What I have been doing when not working or stressing out over work looks like this:

• Reading many many many Nora Roberts books (grade A diversion)
• Watching movies (oh how I love the internet and the fact that you can buy movies on it)
• Drinking gallons of tea
• Surfing the internet (but staying far far away from blogs) Discovering the fabulousness that is the Rachel Zoe Project  (I had no idea that this show even existed thanks to the fact that I don’t watch TV…thank you Itunes for letting me indulge…”I die”)
• Making a concerted effort to take care of me….painting my nails again….deep conditioning my hair on a constant basis….working to clear my skin (adult acne is all kinds of crap)
• Trying not to be an absolute bear and burden to live with

And here is the real crux of this post:

Basically, the evenings have seen me deep in diversion territory.  And you know what? It has been mighty enjoyable, all things considered.

I have not been productive. I have not been working on a website, or on Etsy listings or on new jewelry. I have not been tapping into my creativity. I have not been reaching out to…well…anybody.

 Usually this makes me feel a bit guilty, as though I am wasting time and not properly feeding myself.  I always acknowledge when I have entered diversion territory, as it is hard to avoid that acknowledgement when one is reading five books a week, but I don’t usually allow myself to feel nourished by this method of spending my time. I look at it as avoidance, pure and simple.

This time it looks different to me.

I used to LOVE fashion…as in I lived for fashion…as in it made me all kinds of giddy. I used to subscribe to just about every fashion magazine out there and sitting down in the evenings to absorb all that those magazines contained gave me great joy.

And then that went away. I cut back on the subscriptions to save money. I started spending my evenings doing different things. I convinced myself that this love was shallow and not based in reality.

But, hello. THAT IS THE POINT.

The last week has seen me exploring all things fashion and it has been a breath of fresh colorful air. I had forgotten how much I love it, truly love it. It’s art in it’s own right.

And, the super special side effect is that it has gotten my creative wheels turning again. I have felt a bit more like myself than I have in quite awhile. It’s lovely combining the “old” me with the “new” me, if that makes any sense at all.

I am a bit of a loner by nature. Part of that may be that I am an only child and part of that is just inherently who I am. While many  thrive by being surrounded by others, I thrive by being surrounded by myself. It’s always been this way.  I am my own best company.

I am easily overwhelmed by crowds, and I think that applies to the internet as well, although I would have never thought it so before. I absolutely need my alone time. In the past, that was literal because I actually SAW people then…you know, in the flesh. Now I see very few people and my social interaction tends to be limited to the internet. I have come to realize that this form overwhelms just about as much as the “in the flesh” variety.

I think that I may have just returned to be good company for myself again. I also think that I have realized that there is no right or wrong formula when it comes to either  personal creativity or the creative community as a whole.

I think that makes the whole internet/blogging avoidance thing okay…maybe even better than okay. It’s always here and there are no time limits. Pushing myself to be what  I think I should be creatively and socially only serves to push me further into the corner if I am not ready for it. Returning to my original loner roots and embracing them has been very good for me. Returning to my original loves and embracing them is leading to me incorporating them with my new ones.

Really, it’s all on my terms. I don’t need to come up with a word for 2010 in order to actually do something worthwhile and creative. It does not serve to hold me any more accountable, nor does it serve to energize or inspire me more. I tried that. It was a fail. I don’t even remember what my word was last year.

There are no rules for blogging or social networking. They exist to enrich us, yes. They allow us to reach out and communicate and look inward and share that.

But there is no definitive method. Why have I been telling myself there is?

When it comes to the “real job” and the “real life” there is a method.  But, when it comes to free time, creativity, inspiration, communication, reaching out…not so much. It’s each their own, or at least it should be.

Damn, it took me a long time to figure that out and be okay with it.

It seems as though I have been far more productive than I would have ever thought.

I just love it when I come here, talk in circles and end up making sense…at least to myself.

Thanks for reading. I’ll see you again…when the breeze blows me through.

Xo,

Jen

.thank you. from Jennifer Donley on Vimeo.

I truly hope that this conveys my gratitude for your kindess and support because it has been a beautiful gift.

xo,

Jen

p.s. I can't help but be a little scared that screenshot. ;-)

I have tried so hard to be grateful and positive. I have tried so hard to embrace the fact that it is all still there.

But I am dangling by a thread.

On the good days, I envision that thread to be more of a bungee cord, stretching and tossing me around, but still somewhat solid. On the bad days, I envision that thread to be one that, as it stretches, becomes thinner and weaker with every tug.

I feel the fool for even talking about this. I feel guilty for complaining when I still have a job. But, at the end of the day, that does not diminish the constant stress and anxiety and fear. It just doesn't.

I try to extinguish those feelings in a variety of ways. Lately, those ways have not included anything of the creative variety, as by the time I have the time to go there, I am too damn tired. I want to stare off into space or dig my nose into a fluffy book. I feel uninspired and uninspiring. And, even those distractions can't erase the constant pang of anxiety that plagues my mid-section.

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When I opened this new online home back in August, I had illusions that it would be a much happier place. I wanted it to be a place where I would talk about my creative endeavors and how I was moving forward on that front. It would be a place where I could leave the emotional turmoil of the last few years behind and blaze a new path into the future.

Obviously, I knew in August that the "real job" was all kinds of challenging, for at that time I had just received the whopping pay cut that I referenced above and we were already months into the challenges. But still, I hoped with everything in my being that I would be able to juggle supplementing our income and my spirit with my creativity. I announced it here (the"leap", that is) and I started blazing the path with my Mom and friend Jen holding my hands.

And then, my energy levels depleted rapidly and I basically crashed and burned on that front.

Because here is the simple truth: I can not do it all. I can not work 50 hours a week, be a good mother, a decent wife, a budgetary goddess, a home organizer and a super creative jewelry maker, not to mention any kind of friend, daughter or acquaintance.  It is not physically, emotionally or mentally do-able.

I struggle with this now, and, as a result I don't blog nearly as much I would like to because I don't really have anything positive or illuminating to say. 

And there is SO much that I could not say here even if I wanted to. I can't talk about how my heart was breaking on a completely personal and different front last week. I can't talk about the in's and out's of the work challenges. I won't talk about my loved one's lives.

There is only so much conjuring of positive that I can do. There is only so much stretching that I can pull off.

And so I return to that redundant phrase that I use so often. "But it is real life."

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Today, I come here humbly…ever so humbly. And I thank you for reading my words. And I thank you for holding them. This is my truth right now. It is my reality. It is not pretty and it is not inspiring. It just is. And I had to get it out somewhere, truly I did.

Xo,

Jen

The world, our worlds were very different then.

Much has transpired in the last year, so many changes, so many twists and turns.

And I sigh as I contemplate how quickly a year can speed past.

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One night this week I was doing the dishes and a song by Massive Attack came on the IPod. It reminded me of a friend from long ago. One who I have not seen since 2001. It reminded me of another lifetime ago, one that I had not visited in years. After I finished the dishes, I went downstairs into the basement and literally moved boxes out of the way to get to a bin where I was sure pictures of that time lived.

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve years ago.

I was right, they did live there. I had not laid my eyes on these photos for some seven years. Some of them I had completely forgotten about. I saw much as I spent that night going through each and every picture. Familiar faces, long forgotten times.

I saw my own face smiling at me. A very different face than the one I wear today. A bit rounder, much younger and definitely lacking the worry that my face wears today.

I pondered what those smiles meant back then. I was transported back to a time where my life, our lives, were so completely different than they are now. So very little remains the same. As I flipped through the pictures and recalled those times, I also remembered how I had felt back then. I cannot, of course, remember everything, but enough remains deep down inside of me.

On some level, I was far happier and definitely more carefree. (or as carefree as I could ever be, as that is not one of my defining character traits) Comparatively though, night and day.

I went out into the world then and spend time with people. I had far less self confidence in some ways, and far more in other ways. I thought that time was my oyster.  I squandered my time. I had so much fun with my cloths……and my hair. I was fighting reoccurring bouts of mono, which ended up not being mono at all, but Lupus.  My marriage went through twists and turns and many defining moments. We bought a house and sold it. We bought a condo at the beach and sold it. We had more animals.

There were so many weddings and births….baby showers and birthdays….first homes and first serious loves.  Those were much more festive times. So much newness. So much life.

And I sigh as I contemplate how quickly a decade can speed past. And what a difference a decade, a year, and sometimes even a day can make in our lives.

Everything in life can and does change so drastically based on each and every decision that we make….as well as all of those events for which we have absolutely no control over.

As I look back, I wish that I could say that I regret nothing. But, that would be a lie. I wonder what life would like now if I had decided differently on so many occasions.  Both seemingly inconsequential as well as more monumental decisions have brought me to where I am now. Did fate rule these decisions? How many of these decisions were ultimately out of my control and instead the path that fate had picked for me this time around? Or is that train of thought simply a rationalization for the bad decisions?

There is a school of thought that says we should not look back. We should live in the moment and look forward to the future. Most of the time, I subscribe to this notion; however, there are those times, times like this week when I realize that looking back is equally as important. It’s a touchstone for where we are now. It reminds us of how far we have come as well as how much we have faltered in our quest to move forward.

It reminds us of times and places and feelings and people that were paramount in our lives. It makes us thoughtful and invites us to really stop and take a look at ourselves.

It creates a longing to relive some times and a deep satisfaction that we have already experienced others.

It teaches us that we have learned so much in some areas and nothing at all in others.

And it seriously causes me to over think. And get emotional. And have dreams.

Today, as I tidy up, I will pack those photos back into the bin. And, perhaps as I listen to music (Confusion from New Order is on now) I will continue to think about times past and I will weave in and out of times past and times present…with the pictures in my mind, with favorite music from the last 20 years flowing out of the IPod.

And I will be living in the now, while pondering the then.